ate aileen

living with a father who goes abroad to work should prepare me more of my sister's leaving. but it does not. the truth is i'm so sad, everytime i remember she'll leave in a few days, i instantly hold back bucket of tears (or a dam for that matter) and gasp to breathe like one big santol seed is stuck in my throat, choking me. my sister, ate aileen, hasn't left yet but i already miss her.

she knows it. in fact, whenever we talk and i begin to worry and say, "aalis ka na, naku! " (oh no, you're leaving!), she sees me make a complete idiot of myself- twisted face, pouting, ugly mouth holding back gazillion sobs. she then looks mad, "ANGIE, please!!!" (the 3 exclamation marks showing her disappointment & frustration at me, for crying like a 5 year old girl).

she has decided to be the bold, brave one- applying for a job in a hospital in the far, far country of Saudi Arabia where culture is deeply Islamic, where women wear hijab (a veil used to cover the body), where there are deserts and sandstorms, and mosques galore, where there are zero family & friends (yet). i wish i am like her- risking, sacrificing, heroic in some way. Had she not thought of her son's future, she would have willingly preferred to stay, just like my dad and all other overseas filipino workers.

in a few days, she'll be thousands of miles away from us. i'll miss our kulitan, our frequent arguments (yup!), her nagging, her almost delicious pansit, chopsuey, adobo and barbecue (ha ha!), her constant striving to beat me in cooking pasta and losing at that(sorry sis!). Of course!

i'll miss her taking care of her son, miggy.

i'll miss seeing her do miggy's projects, getting no less than excellent marks, her artistic tendencies showing.

i'll miss her driving our car- our out-of-town trips. i'll miss her pointing out trees when driving on highways (angie, santol/mangga/kape, o! ang dami bunga!)

i'll miss her stories of korean telenovelas. her nursing of crushes (wu chun, dao and the likes). her collection of korean & chinese flicks (gazillions!), piling inside her drawers.

i don't know which is harder though, leaving or being left behind. and yup, i'm considering myself a part of the olds but lately i have a feeling that i still am a wimp on most things, like this, like saying goodbyes. hay.

“ It is clearly not the journey for everyone. People succeed in as many ways as there are people. Some can be completely fulfilled with destinations that are much closer to home and more comfortable. But if you long to keep going, then I hope you are able to follow my lead to the places I have gone. To within a whisper of your own personal perfection. To places that are sweeter because you worked so hard to arrive there. To places at the very edge of your dreams."

- Ben Johnson