The Inertia of a Lonely Heart

by Jewel

The world is full of cripples

and endless nights

and broken fruit

and calls that never come through

and restless dreams

that fear being awake

and stars that lose themselves

and waves that are always leaving

and bitten mouths

and lonely bars

and rosy nipples

rosy as dawn

rosy as the first blush of youth

and tired people

and lonely hearts

opening, orbiting

crashing into open mouths

and hungry eyes

and empty-handed lovers;

the inertia of loneliness

a miserable force.

hanging on

i have been someone who's keen on reworking my self from time to time. and i know it will be lifetime process. because when things really hit me bad, i totally forget what i've learned in the Accepting Life- key to wholeness category.

like failing QA. on the few weeks of the year wherein i have deliberately planned and decided to get a 100% QA. i have never wanted a 100% QA so badly before. i have done what i thought was my best. and it's frustrating to fail on the only weekend of the year where i have decided to render overtime. frustrating is an understatement. i am sad. disheartened. and displaced again.

because getting good QAs will mean more cash. and more cash will lead me to financial freedom, which in angie's dictionary equates to zero-debt, larger savings and moving on to greener pastures. and quite honestly, i am actually readying myself to embrace changes soon.

haay..

sob stories after another. life unfolds with a few each day and sometimes i react as if it is life-threatening. as if i'm standing on a railway track where a train will pass anytime soon. i wish i can wholly say that i am unaffected.

well, affected as i am, i'll sleepwalk thru these few weeks until i get my hard-earned 13th month pay. and i will tell myself to hang on because one thing i've learned, creating artificial stress in my life will make me look like a hag. a tired, ugly old hag. so yup, im hanging on!

Between Them

Between Them

between the moon
and a star—
their distance

by belleloved

Slipping Away

music,
a voice pauses
as hollowness deepens
like your memories. it rises
then fades.

by belleloved

turning 30

these past few days, i have been on a reflective and thoughtful mood. while life for some begins at 40, i am rooting that it will at 30, well at least for me. wow, 30! 3 decades! i have turned 30 last oct 6! and while i have gotten more than my share of people saying, "matanda ka na talaga. magboyfriend ka na" or "mahirap tumanda ng mag-isa,", i wanted to just step back and wonder, does everyone really think that this is what i'm so worried about? is this the best thing that they can advise me? honestly, i am quite upset at these but i do understand that my friends meant well. on the contrary, turning 30 has gotten me pondering more about God's plan for me. of what life has to offer. of exciting new experiences and challenges. another chapter, another chance.

this i am thinking- that life is beautiful because i am getting chances each day. a chance to live life to the fullest. to love as much as i can love. to give as much as i can give. to treat life and everything, even problems and inconveniences as gifts. i have experienced so much in the past decade that made me see that while life doesn't turn out the way i want it to be, it still rocks! through my life's bliss, joys, confusions and sobstories, i am raising my glass for a life lived meaningfully. and that is again according to angie's lifemeter. sure i have enslaved myself with mistakes and sins, over and over and over again. but that didn't stop me from believing and renewing myself. too often i tire myself of the cycle i put myself into. twisted logic, dramatic sprees, and a worry bin! i've had too much negatives that i am trying to throw away each day. for these i am applauding myself- for the goals i've reached and have not reached, for the lessons learned and still learning, for blessings that have gone and gazillions more that are coming, God willing. ;)

Days Go By

Days Go By

by Jason Wade

So don't. Sit back, and watch the days go by.
Are you ever gonna live before you die?
And when things fall apart,
the world is coming down,
Leave it all behind.
Leave the loneliness alone.
You wait forever blind.

So come on and leave the years and you watch the days go by.
Come on and leave the fears that you were afraid to find,
cause while you wait inside, the days go by.

So all the memories fade and the days go by.
Forget the lonely years.
Today's in mind
I know its never gonna be the way you like
and I know you don't wanna think about,
all the endlessness you find.
You wait forever blind

So come on and leave the years and you watch the days go by.
Come on and leave the fears that you were afraid to find
you're waiting for your time
of these days gone wrong
who broke your fall
what a way to learn

so come on and leave the years and you watch the days go by
come on and leave the fears that you were afraid to find
cause time is passing by

missing bora

i have to say that i miss boracay already. haay..the cool morning mist, the stretch of glorious white sands plus the quaint souvenir shops and cafes. not to mention the sudden evening rain showers. we were in fact wet all the time. he he. we braved through it all though. it was worth it i guess.while everyone associates boracay with the blazing heat and exciting nightlife, we'd remember it as peaceful and secluded haven. i remember seeing people mostly foreigners just lounging on one of the cafes and propped with a book. thats how i see boracay, a place where one can simply loosen up, have fun, while having a grand panoramic view of the beach.

the rain was always present and in different forms- dew in the very early morning, mist around 9, fog at noon, drizzle during the afternoons and a full-blown habagat at dusk and early evenings! but still, i loved everything about it. as in!

on our second day there, the group has decided to go on island-hopping! we were on the last activity for that island hopping, w/c was snorkelling, when all of a sudden it rained. hard. i was freaking out. the chicken in me. he he. we were in the middle of the sea and we're on a small boat with katig w/c was supposed to calm me down because according to them, it will float no matter what. but i just wanted to go back. and ofcourse we couldn't. we had to wait for it to stop because of the strong winds. i was putting my faith on the thought that oliver and dorian was so excited to go snorkelling despite the rain. fine! fine! fine! we were cold and chilling. i was thinking of hypothermia. drowning. being eaten by sharks. not reaching the age of 30. of not experienciung true love. honestly, everything bad and morbid. but I survived it. i really did. maybe because of the view that we had. we can see the rain as it glided among the countryside towards us who were floating at sea. i kept on telling them, "Uy, umuulan dun o". the next thing i knew, we were drenched with rainwater. it felt great afterwards. haay what an experience! shempre, only in bora! ;)

it still is the best indulgence i had this year. despite the gusty wind and frequent rains, i managed to succumb to the magic of boracay. oh yes, boracay! at last! i still am absorbing the fact that i was there last week. while it took me 29 years to finally ride a plane, it didn't even take me one long minute to fall in love with bora. i was bewitched at first sight! though it was raining when we stayed there, the beach could not hide its beauty. the waters were pale blue but clear. the very long stretch of white pulvoronic sands made it all the more dramatic and simply breathtaking. while travel brochures have used every superfluous words to describe it, i still think it can never be overrated.

<

Waiting for the World to Fall

Waiting for the World to Fall

by Jars of Clay

I'm afraid it's been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I've grown beyond the walls to where I've never been
And it's still winter in my wonderland


I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And all the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to You

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars my view is changing me
My view is changing me

I'm waiting

missing myself

the year is halfway through, and i'm thinking of what i've achieved and what i've missed. sadly, its more of the missed- missed goals, missed opportunities, missed targets. seriously, i am thwarted by all of these. am i turning into one regretful person? maybe i am. but that is the truth. i am regretting i haven't pursued my goals. i hate myself for being so damned comfortable and lax. for being ok. for not being competitive and idealistic like young people should be. maybe i really am losing my idealism. and now that i wanted to just go for it, i can't- anymore. but maybe, i haven't tried harder. or didn't i? i am confused as i was confused five or seven years ago. i am older but i feel young and that is to a fault. i am aimless as i was aimless years ago. i am afraid as i was years ago. i have wanted someone to lead me. and i found Him. still the same, i am foolishly stubborn. sometimes, i feel trapped by my very ownself. oh God, can i own strength? can i be undaunted and brave for once? i yearn to be somebody i haven't been my whole life. and i hopeful it will come.

Sundo

Sundo

Imago

Kay tagal kong sinusuyod

ang buong mundo

Para hanapin,

para hanapin ka

Nilibot ang distrito

ng iyong lumbay

Pupulutin, pupulutin ka

Sinusundo kita,

Sinusundo

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig ko'y sayo

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig ko'y sayo

Sa akin mo isabitang iyong lumbay

Di kukulanginang ibibigay

Isuko ang kaba

tuluyan kang bumitaw

Ika'y manalig

Manalig ka..

Sinusundo kita

Sinusundo...

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig koay sayo

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig ko'y sayo

Handa na sa liwanag mo

Sinuyod ang buong mundo

Maghihintay sayong sundo

postsecret

after selene recommended me to check out this site- postsecret.blogspot.com, i have never missed visiting it each week. it contains secrets that are dark, funny, endearing, ponderous and sometimes disturbing. anyone can mail a card and design it the way he or she wants it. it can be arty, sloppy or fussy and meticulous. the ones posted on the site are remarkable. its like seeing and feeling souls. conveying emotions through pictures and a simple statements, most never fail to astound me. right now, they have conjured a different way of presentaton- through a mini-movie. superb! bravo!

kulitan maxed-out

with the job that we have, one can't help but master the art of multi-tasking. as we are directory operators in the UK, our call usually ends in less than a minute. and the calls just keeps on coming in after we log in. we were rarely without a call unless we opt to be pasaways, pressing the aux work button for a few seconds to breathe. so imagine staying in the company for more than four years. each day, eight hours of our lives are dedicated to giving out numbers to snotty brits! though the company prohibits us from bringing any reading materials, we can still sneak some just to kill our boredom. palibhasa, mga tenured na. we've done pocket books of every genre, newspapers( my fave is libre with its crazy horoscopes), magazines(Yes!, Ok! Time, Newsweek, Readers Digest), cookbooks even. we've also learned the art of tissue-folding. after a loo break, a titan would have gotten piles of tissue papers. and thus the art of folding follows. right now, the team is into crossword and sudoku puzzles. medyo umangat na kahit papano! he he. imagine. we were this bored. but i guess the best one was the tong-its. he he. with cards made of cut out scratch papers and pencil-drawn numbers and images, we were playing it like crazy. ang saya! but they were stricter now and we dare not jeopardize our job. that would be shameful. playing cards while on duty? tsk.tsk. gud luck. pano mo naman iexplain yan sa parents mo. oh yes, i forgot to mention origami. the stars were my favorite. after creating one, we threw each other paper stars. parang sweet noh? but we are a team like that. kulitan maxed out. luckily, we remain to be the top team in the call center, minus the kalokohan ofcourse. that's why i love my job. after a day's work, i feel a need to be sedated but that's a different story ;)

griffynjaos

Moon

Moon
by Sia

I watch you spin from afar
I drink you in and breath you out
I'm camouflaged by the timeline
I'm camouflaged when the sun shines

Two ships passing in the night
Two lips pressing ground the tides

I believe the world it spins for you
We will never be
I am the moon

I long to be a part
I isolate my heart
You've drawn me into your world

Now I too spin limbless
One hand clapping
Where's the wind
I stand spanning at your distant wings

I believe the world it spins for you
We will never be
I am the moon.

better days

i wonder what would life be if i didn't let it pass. or God had not chosen me to overcome it. i struggled to finally give it up and struggle it was. haay. sometimes, we complicate our lives. we litter it with unreasonable fears. we carry emotional baggages. we wear out our mind with thoughts of failed relationships, broken dreams and frustrations. we waste our time worrying. and when we are ready to sleep it all away, we find ourselves losing sleep more than ever. we get up in the morning, more broken than when we first attempted sleeping. i am never going to put myself in that situation again. besides it is true, that we are what we choose to be. and it is in our choices, not our abilities that will show what we truly are. i love myself. and my life is a gift. honestly, i forget it all the time. at one point i have chosen to wallow in loneliness, and i felt so miserable. now, i'm ok. and i look for better days ahead.

Place in this World

Place in this World

The wind is moving but I am
standing still
A life of pages waiting to be
found
A heart that's hopeful,
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming harder
than it seems

Feels like
I am looking for a reason
roaming through the night to find
my place in this world
Not a love to lean on
I need your light to help me find
my place in this world,
my place in this world.

If there are millions down on their knees
among the many,
how can you still hear me?
Hear me asking,
where do i belong?
Is there a vision I can call my own?
Show me.

i am feeling so positive. i feel i can conquer the world and all its craziness and hardships. and sometimes too, i feel that im only just ready to start my life. i feel i know what i need to do, to live life a hundred times better. i am driven to make things happen, for plans to push thru, for relationships to grow, for trying opportunities that come my way, to set my life into the right place. i am forgetting wasted time and money, missed opportunites and screwed plans. each day, we are given a chance to lead better lives and this what makes us blessed. if i count the number of times i have failed given all those chances, i would have won the loser-of-the-century-award. but loser as i am, i am still smelling hope, freedom and love.


i am surpised by myself lately. i am now wanting something so purely, i can't help but be happy.

Awit ng Paghahangad

O Diyos, ikaw ang laging hanap,
loob ko'y ikaw ang tanging hangad!
Nauuhaw akong parang tigang na lupa
sa tubig ng yong pag-aaruuga.

Ika'y pagmamasdan sa dakong banal
ng makita ko ang yong pagkarangal.
Dadalangin akong nakataas aking kamay
nagagalak na aawit ng papuring iniaalay.

Gunita ko'y ikaw habang nahihimlay
pagakat ang tulong mo'y sa tuwinay taglay
sa lilim ng iyong mga pakpak
umaawit akong buong galak.

Aking kaluluwa'y kumakapit sa iyo,
kaligtasa'y tiyak kung hawak mo ako.
Magdiriwang ang hari ang Diyos siyang dahilan
ang sa iyo ay mangako
galak yaong makakamtan.

Gunita ko'y ikaw habang nahihimlay
pagakat ang tulong mo'y sa tuwinay taglay
sa lilim ng iyong mga pakpak
umaawit akong buong galak.

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. "

im so excited to start the new year : ) i like hearing the word "new", it gives me so much hope. and yes i am hopeful. i am grateful because i am so much blessed more than i can ever, ever imagine. how come i didn't realized it before?

but now, i know. better. i have more reasons to celebrate!

i'm finally learning how to swim.