Merry Christmas : )

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful!"

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

i read somewhere that there must be another way to describe how old a person is- something other than childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, old age. “Some descriptive term that encompasses mood- I am joyous-years-old or I am tired-years-old.” i like the idea. i can say i-am-so-lost-years-old or i-am-so-wanting-to-be-found-years old. i can be positive too- i am figuring-out-the-best-way-to-go-and-i-think-i-will-in-time-years-old. whew! i reckon many people are the same age as i am. they can be 21, fresh from college, not recognizing the job to take, the goals to pursue. or maybe, a 70 year old man, feeling tired and worthless. i know this so vague and fuzzy, this wanting-to-be-found thing. it can mean lots of things to different people. lost for short. well, in some way or another we are lost.

the thing is when we were kids we wanted to grow up so fast and be an adult. we were so certain of what to do of how we wanted to live life. we built dreams. we were carefree and idealistic. we were happy. i want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher, a soldier, a wife. we have it perfectly planned. the heartbreaking part though is that life doesn’t turn out the way you planned it to be. worst we don’t plan at all. we have lost our sense of idealism and passion- passion to inspire us to do what we really wanted and idealism to pursue those dreams. we have forgotten how to dream, to set a goal. we don’t know what to do and we are aimlessly doing things that we ourselves do not know the reason behind. a part of me wants to give up work, because i feel i need to move on and do greater things for myself and for my parents. things that we'll make my parents prouder of me. but i am pinned down by fears. fear of new responsibilities, of sailing to unknown shores, of starting over again, of leaving the mundane routine of taking calls for almost four years which got me sickeningly tired but still thankful. worst, i fear of losing the colleagues whom I’ve made into lifetime friends. I have found friends who have unknowingly founded a philosophy club. we spent late night posing questions and ideas, pondering about life and love. we mused on almost all things. we are what friends are supposed to be- supporting, crying, laughing, fighting and making up with each other. haay...life. what should i do? i am so wanting to know.

Alone

Alone
I walked through my young life
always searching for love to come,
constantly waiting to almost none,
staring up at the black-theatered sky
lonely, tired, afraid to cry.
The more I choose to hide
the clearer it is reflected
in my eyes.
Far-away gaze, weary soul,
my heart thirsts for love to grow
and as the moonbeam
casts a hazy glow
beyond this night's mystic fair,
again,
I walk home
treading the path
alone.

angie
Jan 31 '02

i swear she was the last person i expected to turn up and say all those wonderful words about restoring one's faith, helping out a friend, admitting mistakes and loving God. i ended up so spirited to make it up with the big one up there. i wanted to be healed for a long time now and its so amazing that God uses such a peculiar situation and the most unlikely person to send His healing presence. it was like opening the smallest box of gift only to find the most precious glittering diamond inside. it made me wonder of how great God's love for me is and how He truly works in mysterious ways. imagine, the least, as in the least person you know who'd talk about spiritual things, suddenly spilling words of wisdom and healing. i was moved heart and soul. she was right infront of me, baring her soul, meaning words from the bottom of her heart. i was like infront of max lucado, even better. apart fronm seeing her in a different light, i am more than convinced that God is ready to rescue me when i'm truly going down the pit. and what a relief. or better yet, thank God for this peace.

how rich are you?

I'm the 862,382,334 richest person on earth according to this site. do you want to know how you fare with the rest of the world? go ahead and try it.

Dove and the Waterline

Dove and the Waterline
Jeffrey Foucault

I wrote you a song from under the sky
From the field where the snow fell down
And the town threw up its light
Against the clouds into the night
Like a wall to keep the flood from bearing down

And I said hello can you help me
Do you know
What I'm doing can you tell me
Where I'm bound
The stars all have names
And the angels have the same
But I'm lost and so much want
To be found

I wrote you a prayer from inside the walls
Of this country where the cold wind blows
And a storm into the sea
Rang out against man's every plea
To rouse my soul and steal my body down below
And I said hello can you help me

Do you know
What I'm doing can you tell me
Where I'm bound
I'm cast awayInto the deep and compassed there
No soul to keepAfire and to the water burning down
And I said hello can you help me
Do you know
What I'm doing can you tell me
Where I'm bound
The stars all have names
And the angels have the same
But I'm lost and I so much want
To be found

july 18 '06

i am sooo loving this weather! the sky is downcast and the air is cool and crisp. the trees and plants look greener against the pale surroundings. everything seems to be fresh and new. there are mud puddles everywhere which one tries to miss when going out on the streets. i saw children today who were playing in the rain and how i envy them! i remember when i was small, my sisters and i used to sneak at the back of our house, away from nanang my grandma just to play and bathe in the rain. we soaked ourselves with rain water, jumping and splashing, until we get caught by nanang who would reprimand us, her shrill scolding darted towards ate, who she thought was pasimuno of it all. ha ha. the best part there was during thunderstorms. just like other kids, my siblings and I were terrified of lightning and thunder. we covered our ears at the very flash of lightning. but that didn't stop us from bathing in the rain. when lightning strikes, we dashed towards the house for protection. ofcourse we knew very well the dreadful story nanang told- of how a young girl who went to the ricefield and was struck dead, her brains scattered after being hit by a lightning. we knew too well that story. but we were children, who were brave and adventurous and mischievous. truly, pasaways. haay, gone were those days..

its mysterious how the raindrops sound when falling on our rooftop. of how it can stir up conflicting emotions upon me. i feel a certain fear or anxiety when i hear the first few big drops. like the world is going to end anytime soon. but the moment it pours, i feel the thrill and the excitement of it all. and then i go looking for sopas or noodles or champorado. and then i can go watch tv, read a book or just simply stare out the window- imagining, wondering, smiling.

resigned

july 2 '06

The more I think about it, the more pleased I am with myself. I am getting better at these. I am winning every war, slowly, but still, victorious. I do get better. People can get better. We can overcome. Isnt amazing how experience teaches us values that armor us against life s disparity? Life is never fair. It never was. I am done with that word. While I still hold that life belongs to the beautiful, beautiful ones, I am comforted. Because I know that wherever life takes me, God is there, who is just, kind and loving.


We all have different roles to play, with each and every person we have relationships with. Oftentimes I see where I am (with this one particular relationship). So clear like the rays of the sun on a fine, cloudless day. And ironically too, where I am is heartbreakingly cold, overcast, gloomy. Sometimes I am so resigned to that idea. To that role I am supposed to play. And it makes me sad. Yet I dont fight anymore. Its ok. God must have a pretty superb reason for all of these and I know I'll get an excellent back-up from Him one of these days.

The Rain's Sympathy

Death

is etched upon my mind,

as copious tears of rain

dolorously descends

from the black-veiled sky.

It's somber mood draped-

mirrors my soul's grief

for the lost

of my beloved.

The rain

falls dreary.

And I

cannot

but be

grateful

for so much

sympathy.

angie
june '97

Risking Much

April 20 '06

'To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing our true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try at all is to risk failure.
But risk we must, because the greatest hazard i life is to risk nothing.
The man, the woman who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.'

i sure have risked a lot these past few weeks....sigh.

April 16 '06

Do people always mean what they say? And if they dont, the fact that they said it, will it be considered as half-meant? And what exactly is half-meant? Is there even such a thing?

Why is it easier to react than it is to think? Why cant we have our minds rule over our hearts most of the time? Why cant we leave our impulse down and just reflect on the best things to do? Why do we confuse people with words, words that we can never admit to ourselves, words that would make us more confused and confounded than the person we talked it over to? Is it possible to be so honest and a liar at the same time? Does it make one foolish?

I hate being this sentimental. It is summer where thoughts should be bright as the blue sky and feelings should be light as a... yep a butterfly.

my roller-coaster ride

march 21 06

the closest i can compare to my life now is a roller coaster. its a cliche i know. if i've found a better way to compare it to, i would have used it. and because my mind now, is in its dullest state ever (yes im this honest), i remain to compare it to a roller coaster. after being hailed as the employee of the month for feb, exactly a year i was awarded the same title, i am most grateful and truly happy. grateful because someone saw me in a different light. he saw how i deeply struggled to be a performer not for myself but for the team. he learned i was not a natural, but saw how i can work around it. he believed that i felt mediocre most of the time or most of my life, yet he managed to get the best in me. and how he suddenly turned from one person i feel obligated to like to someone i truly admire and would like to listen to ( while laughing at the same time!), i sure didn't know what happened. come to think of it, i think im seeing him in a different light too. i dont know what the heck happened. these days i am so fond of getting logged out to be coached by my manager. it starts with him discussing team stats and plans and dilemmas. the next thing i know, im mouthing my ideas and opinions. he looks animated, and then drops a bit of wisdom, which leads us to saying grateful praises to each other! funny! its nice- the way everything turned out. who would have thought that i would be blogging about this. sheesh, i cant help but be mushy! i noticed that for most of my dramatic moments in this company, almost everything has something to do with him. of how i can be so meek, and rude, and angry, and quiet, and thinking, and laughing and pouting..etc. wow.

now the plunging-hurling-to-the-earth part of the roller coaster... i failed QA. a week after the EOM dinner. a week after i realized these things. i feel my blood draining, i am a dissappointment. to him, to the team, to my mini-team, to myself. i definitely hurled down faster than i can imagine. its amazing i feel sad more than angry. i have accepted and admitted it. i honestly think that all those failed calls were a few of my best calls. surprisingly, i was very helpful, patient and calm with the callers. and you know what, i ought to congratulate myself for it! really! ha ha! hindi talaga ako nahuhuli ;)

i don't intend to drown in my sadness though, because i know that roller coaster is on its way up. either way, i have realized wonderful things about myself and the people around me. now i know its better to get the best of both worlds. because both ways, i still remain a winner.