From Twenty Poems of Love

by Pablo Neruda

I can write the saddest lines tonight.
Write for example: ‘The night is fractured

and they shiver, blue, those stars, in the distance’

The night wind turns in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest lines tonight.

I loved her, sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like these I held her in my arms.

I kissed her greatly under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could I not have loved her huge, still eyes.

I can write the saddest lines tonight.

To think I do not have her, to feel I have lost her.

Hear the vast night, vaster without her.

Lines fall on the soul like dew on the grass.

What does it matter that I could not keep her.

The night is fractured and she is not with me.
That is all. Someone sings far off. Far off,

my soul is not content to have lost her.

As though to reach her, my sight looks for her.

My heart looks for her: she is not with me.

The same night whitens, in the same branches.

We, from that time, we are not the same.

I do not love her, that is certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her.

Another’s kisses on her, like my kisses.

Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes.

I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.

Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long.

Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms,

my soul is not content to have lost her.

Though this is the last pain she will make me suffer,

and these are the last lines I will write for her.

july 25, 2004

ive never thought of completely whacking my computer till last night. i spent almost three hours, trying to fix the layout of my blog and to my dismay, the connection was suddenly disconnected! i felt like the blood drained from my face. my fingers got so clammy. i couldnt think right. i was thinking of whacking the computer, no, of killing myself, well of whacking by body to the computer. i didnt in those three hours, even bothered to save anything. i was cursing the computer, was cursing myself. why did i blame the computer when it was me who was so stupid?! ugh!

so when my mom, for the tenth time called me to sleep, i never even bothered to shut down the computer properly. I just turned off the switch. suits him right!! ugh, and to think i choose that over reading my new book Harry Potter Book 5.. well, i figured im not lucky these days...must be the...oh well.

**********

i dont wanna whine anymore. i want peace.

instead of working, which i originally planned doing early today, i decided to take the day off. i was late again. and no one would ever believe the lie i have to tell our team manager. it was so lame, it was obvious that im faking it . being late yesterday due to the sudden thunderstorm was fair enough. even our team lead was late, a lot of us were. but today, the sky was clear and there was no traffic even. but i was late. the fx, which i was riding, was moving as if we were on a long country drive, sight-seeing. i was litterally in tears. worst he stopped at a gas station, looked at me smiling, and said, "mauubusan na ko ng gas". i know he sensed my frustration, but still i faked a smile. come to think of it, ive been faking a lot of things lately. well, in the end, i cried. good thing i was the only passenger left. the driver was concerned though, i think. he asked why i was sniffing. i told him, "ok lang po ko..hindi na ko bababa, pakiderecho na lang...".

right now im seated inside one of the internet shops in the mall, blogging this. i see the the light of the situation though. i havent been inside the mall lately. and well here i am. i bought some stuffs. i window-shopped, looked at potential things to buy in the future. later, ill be going in the church. so, who says im sad about the whole thing? im perfectly fine. the tardiness did me good. my worries would have to be dealt with tom.

it has got to be those fine days - this friday morning. the sky was just about to be brightened by the sunrise. its the time of the day where the most beautiful stars or planets appear. i saw the morning star Venus and it glows a luminiscent light. the first rays of the sun on the black sky. again i stood a witness to the dawn. and it was beautiful. considering the fact that i havent slept yet. not a single wink. our good friend noemi, who, just the other day, was so frustrated with office politics and was sulking to her pessimism, finally got the promotion shes been praying for. we had to celebrate. right away ofcourse. and we did. hail we marched off again to the unofficial infonxx' pub cum refuge centre to some- DIGIs CAFE.

we ate, drank, laughed, sang, talked, listened..a couple of things we as titans have grown to love doing. funny, i think this is something we hold on to, when we are strained with the long hours of work talking to bitchy, racist brits. we have invested on friendships among the wee hours of the morning. sharing funny experiences, frustrations and just about anything. and with one gone, i cant help but feel sad a little. titans would surely miss noemi, our little miss who thinks big for the team.

here is noemi who is second from the left.