i read somewhere that there must be another way to describe how old a person is- something other than childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, old age. “Some descriptive term that encompasses mood- I am joyous-years-old or I am tired-years-old.” i like the idea. i can say i-am-so-lost-years-old or i-am-so-wanting-to-be-found-years old. i can be positive too- i am figuring-out-the-best-way-to-go-and-i-think-i-will-in-time-years-old. whew! i reckon many people are the same age as i am. they can be 21, fresh from college, not recognizing the job to take, the goals to pursue. or maybe, a 70 year old man, feeling tired and worthless. i know this so vague and fuzzy, this wanting-to-be-found thing. it can mean lots of things to different people. lost for short. well, in some way or another we are lost.
the thing is when we were kids we wanted to grow up so fast and be an adult. we were so certain of what to do of how we wanted to live life. we built dreams. we were carefree and idealistic. we were happy. i want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher, a soldier, a wife. we have it perfectly planned. the heartbreaking part though is that life doesn’t turn out the way you planned it to be. worst we don’t plan at all. we have lost our sense of idealism and passion- passion to inspire us to do what we really wanted and idealism to pursue those dreams. we have forgotten how to dream, to set a goal. we don’t know what to do and we are aimlessly doing things that we ourselves do not know the reason behind. a part of me wants to give up work, because i feel i need to move on and do greater things for myself and for my parents. things that we'll make my parents prouder of me. but i am pinned down by fears. fear of new responsibilities, of sailing to unknown shores, of starting over again, of leaving the mundane routine of taking calls for almost four years which got me sickeningly tired but still thankful. worst, i fear of losing the colleagues whom I’ve made into lifetime friends. I have found friends who have unknowingly founded a philosophy club. we spent late night posing questions and ideas, pondering about life and love. we mused on almost all things. we are what friends are supposed to be- supporting, crying, laughing, fighting and making up with each other. haay...life. what should i do? i am so wanting to know.
the thing is when we were kids we wanted to grow up so fast and be an adult. we were so certain of what to do of how we wanted to live life. we built dreams. we were carefree and idealistic. we were happy. i want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher, a soldier, a wife. we have it perfectly planned. the heartbreaking part though is that life doesn’t turn out the way you planned it to be. worst we don’t plan at all. we have lost our sense of idealism and passion- passion to inspire us to do what we really wanted and idealism to pursue those dreams. we have forgotten how to dream, to set a goal. we don’t know what to do and we are aimlessly doing things that we ourselves do not know the reason behind. a part of me wants to give up work, because i feel i need to move on and do greater things for myself and for my parents. things that we'll make my parents prouder of me. but i am pinned down by fears. fear of new responsibilities, of sailing to unknown shores, of starting over again, of leaving the mundane routine of taking calls for almost four years which got me sickeningly tired but still thankful. worst, i fear of losing the colleagues whom I’ve made into lifetime friends. I have found friends who have unknowingly founded a philosophy club. we spent late night posing questions and ideas, pondering about life and love. we mused on almost all things. we are what friends are supposed to be- supporting, crying, laughing, fighting and making up with each other. haay...life. what should i do? i am so wanting to know.