missing myself

the year is halfway through, and i'm thinking of what i've achieved and what i've missed. sadly, its more of the missed- missed goals, missed opportunities, missed targets. seriously, i am thwarted by all of these. am i turning into one regretful person? maybe i am. but that is the truth. i am regretting i haven't pursued my goals. i hate myself for being so damned comfortable and lax. for being ok. for not being competitive and idealistic like young people should be. maybe i really am losing my idealism. and now that i wanted to just go for it, i can't- anymore. but maybe, i haven't tried harder. or didn't i? i am confused as i was confused five or seven years ago. i am older but i feel young and that is to a fault. i am aimless as i was aimless years ago. i am afraid as i was years ago. i have wanted someone to lead me. and i found Him. still the same, i am foolishly stubborn. sometimes, i feel trapped by my very ownself. oh God, can i own strength? can i be undaunted and brave for once? i yearn to be somebody i haven't been my whole life. and i hopeful it will come.

Sundo

Sundo

Imago

Kay tagal kong sinusuyod

ang buong mundo

Para hanapin,

para hanapin ka

Nilibot ang distrito

ng iyong lumbay

Pupulutin, pupulutin ka

Sinusundo kita,

Sinusundo

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig ko'y sayo

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig ko'y sayo

Sa akin mo isabitang iyong lumbay

Di kukulanginang ibibigay

Isuko ang kaba

tuluyan kang bumitaw

Ika'y manalig

Manalig ka..

Sinusundo kita

Sinusundo...

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig koay sayo

Asahan mong mula ngayon

pag-ibig ko'y sayo

Handa na sa liwanag mo

Sinuyod ang buong mundo

Maghihintay sayong sundo

postsecret

after selene recommended me to check out this site- postsecret.blogspot.com, i have never missed visiting it each week. it contains secrets that are dark, funny, endearing, ponderous and sometimes disturbing. anyone can mail a card and design it the way he or she wants it. it can be arty, sloppy or fussy and meticulous. the ones posted on the site are remarkable. its like seeing and feeling souls. conveying emotions through pictures and a simple statements, most never fail to astound me. right now, they have conjured a different way of presentaton- through a mini-movie. superb! bravo!

kulitan maxed-out

with the job that we have, one can't help but master the art of multi-tasking. as we are directory operators in the UK, our call usually ends in less than a minute. and the calls just keeps on coming in after we log in. we were rarely without a call unless we opt to be pasaways, pressing the aux work button for a few seconds to breathe. so imagine staying in the company for more than four years. each day, eight hours of our lives are dedicated to giving out numbers to snotty brits! though the company prohibits us from bringing any reading materials, we can still sneak some just to kill our boredom. palibhasa, mga tenured na. we've done pocket books of every genre, newspapers( my fave is libre with its crazy horoscopes), magazines(Yes!, Ok! Time, Newsweek, Readers Digest), cookbooks even. we've also learned the art of tissue-folding. after a loo break, a titan would have gotten piles of tissue papers. and thus the art of folding follows. right now, the team is into crossword and sudoku puzzles. medyo umangat na kahit papano! he he. imagine. we were this bored. but i guess the best one was the tong-its. he he. with cards made of cut out scratch papers and pencil-drawn numbers and images, we were playing it like crazy. ang saya! but they were stricter now and we dare not jeopardize our job. that would be shameful. playing cards while on duty? tsk.tsk. gud luck. pano mo naman iexplain yan sa parents mo. oh yes, i forgot to mention origami. the stars were my favorite. after creating one, we threw each other paper stars. parang sweet noh? but we are a team like that. kulitan maxed out. luckily, we remain to be the top team in the call center, minus the kalokohan ofcourse. that's why i love my job. after a day's work, i feel a need to be sedated but that's a different story ;)

griffynjaos

Moon

Moon
by Sia

I watch you spin from afar
I drink you in and breath you out
I'm camouflaged by the timeline
I'm camouflaged when the sun shines

Two ships passing in the night
Two lips pressing ground the tides

I believe the world it spins for you
We will never be
I am the moon

I long to be a part
I isolate my heart
You've drawn me into your world

Now I too spin limbless
One hand clapping
Where's the wind
I stand spanning at your distant wings

I believe the world it spins for you
We will never be
I am the moon.

better days

i wonder what would life be if i didn't let it pass. or God had not chosen me to overcome it. i struggled to finally give it up and struggle it was. haay. sometimes, we complicate our lives. we litter it with unreasonable fears. we carry emotional baggages. we wear out our mind with thoughts of failed relationships, broken dreams and frustrations. we waste our time worrying. and when we are ready to sleep it all away, we find ourselves losing sleep more than ever. we get up in the morning, more broken than when we first attempted sleeping. i am never going to put myself in that situation again. besides it is true, that we are what we choose to be. and it is in our choices, not our abilities that will show what we truly are. i love myself. and my life is a gift. honestly, i forget it all the time. at one point i have chosen to wallow in loneliness, and i felt so miserable. now, i'm ok. and i look for better days ahead.

Place in this World

Place in this World

The wind is moving but I am
standing still
A life of pages waiting to be
found
A heart that's hopeful,
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming harder
than it seems

Feels like
I am looking for a reason
roaming through the night to find
my place in this world
Not a love to lean on
I need your light to help me find
my place in this world,
my place in this world.

If there are millions down on their knees
among the many,
how can you still hear me?
Hear me asking,
where do i belong?
Is there a vision I can call my own?
Show me.

i am feeling so positive. i feel i can conquer the world and all its craziness and hardships. and sometimes too, i feel that im only just ready to start my life. i feel i know what i need to do, to live life a hundred times better. i am driven to make things happen, for plans to push thru, for relationships to grow, for trying opportunities that come my way, to set my life into the right place. i am forgetting wasted time and money, missed opportunites and screwed plans. each day, we are given a chance to lead better lives and this what makes us blessed. if i count the number of times i have failed given all those chances, i would have won the loser-of-the-century-award. but loser as i am, i am still smelling hope, freedom and love.


i am surpised by myself lately. i am now wanting something so purely, i can't help but be happy.

Awit ng Paghahangad

O Diyos, ikaw ang laging hanap,
loob ko'y ikaw ang tanging hangad!
Nauuhaw akong parang tigang na lupa
sa tubig ng yong pag-aaruuga.

Ika'y pagmamasdan sa dakong banal
ng makita ko ang yong pagkarangal.
Dadalangin akong nakataas aking kamay
nagagalak na aawit ng papuring iniaalay.

Gunita ko'y ikaw habang nahihimlay
pagakat ang tulong mo'y sa tuwinay taglay
sa lilim ng iyong mga pakpak
umaawit akong buong galak.

Aking kaluluwa'y kumakapit sa iyo,
kaligtasa'y tiyak kung hawak mo ako.
Magdiriwang ang hari ang Diyos siyang dahilan
ang sa iyo ay mangako
galak yaong makakamtan.

Gunita ko'y ikaw habang nahihimlay
pagakat ang tulong mo'y sa tuwinay taglay
sa lilim ng iyong mga pakpak
umaawit akong buong galak.

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. "

im so excited to start the new year : ) i like hearing the word "new", it gives me so much hope. and yes i am hopeful. i am grateful because i am so much blessed more than i can ever, ever imagine. how come i didn't realized it before?

but now, i know. better. i have more reasons to celebrate!

i'm finally learning how to swim.

Merry Christmas : )

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful!"

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

i read somewhere that there must be another way to describe how old a person is- something other than childhood, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, old age. “Some descriptive term that encompasses mood- I am joyous-years-old or I am tired-years-old.” i like the idea. i can say i-am-so-lost-years-old or i-am-so-wanting-to-be-found-years old. i can be positive too- i am figuring-out-the-best-way-to-go-and-i-think-i-will-in-time-years-old. whew! i reckon many people are the same age as i am. they can be 21, fresh from college, not recognizing the job to take, the goals to pursue. or maybe, a 70 year old man, feeling tired and worthless. i know this so vague and fuzzy, this wanting-to-be-found thing. it can mean lots of things to different people. lost for short. well, in some way or another we are lost.

the thing is when we were kids we wanted to grow up so fast and be an adult. we were so certain of what to do of how we wanted to live life. we built dreams. we were carefree and idealistic. we were happy. i want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, a teacher, a soldier, a wife. we have it perfectly planned. the heartbreaking part though is that life doesn’t turn out the way you planned it to be. worst we don’t plan at all. we have lost our sense of idealism and passion- passion to inspire us to do what we really wanted and idealism to pursue those dreams. we have forgotten how to dream, to set a goal. we don’t know what to do and we are aimlessly doing things that we ourselves do not know the reason behind. a part of me wants to give up work, because i feel i need to move on and do greater things for myself and for my parents. things that we'll make my parents prouder of me. but i am pinned down by fears. fear of new responsibilities, of sailing to unknown shores, of starting over again, of leaving the mundane routine of taking calls for almost four years which got me sickeningly tired but still thankful. worst, i fear of losing the colleagues whom I’ve made into lifetime friends. I have found friends who have unknowingly founded a philosophy club. we spent late night posing questions and ideas, pondering about life and love. we mused on almost all things. we are what friends are supposed to be- supporting, crying, laughing, fighting and making up with each other. haay...life. what should i do? i am so wanting to know.

Alone

Alone
I walked through my young life
always searching for love to come,
constantly waiting to almost none,
staring up at the black-theatered sky
lonely, tired, afraid to cry.
The more I choose to hide
the clearer it is reflected
in my eyes.
Far-away gaze, weary soul,
my heart thirsts for love to grow
and as the moonbeam
casts a hazy glow
beyond this night's mystic fair,
again,
I walk home
treading the path
alone.

angie
Jan 31 '02

i swear she was the last person i expected to turn up and say all those wonderful words about restoring one's faith, helping out a friend, admitting mistakes and loving God. i ended up so spirited to make it up with the big one up there. i wanted to be healed for a long time now and its so amazing that God uses such a peculiar situation and the most unlikely person to send His healing presence. it was like opening the smallest box of gift only to find the most precious glittering diamond inside. it made me wonder of how great God's love for me is and how He truly works in mysterious ways. imagine, the least, as in the least person you know who'd talk about spiritual things, suddenly spilling words of wisdom and healing. i was moved heart and soul. she was right infront of me, baring her soul, meaning words from the bottom of her heart. i was like infront of max lucado, even better. apart fronm seeing her in a different light, i am more than convinced that God is ready to rescue me when i'm truly going down the pit. and what a relief. or better yet, thank God for this peace.

how rich are you?

I'm the 862,382,334 richest person on earth according to this site. do you want to know how you fare with the rest of the world? go ahead and try it.

Dove and the Waterline

Dove and the Waterline
Jeffrey Foucault

I wrote you a song from under the sky
From the field where the snow fell down
And the town threw up its light
Against the clouds into the night
Like a wall to keep the flood from bearing down

And I said hello can you help me
Do you know
What I'm doing can you tell me
Where I'm bound
The stars all have names
And the angels have the same
But I'm lost and so much want
To be found

I wrote you a prayer from inside the walls
Of this country where the cold wind blows
And a storm into the sea
Rang out against man's every plea
To rouse my soul and steal my body down below
And I said hello can you help me

Do you know
What I'm doing can you tell me
Where I'm bound
I'm cast awayInto the deep and compassed there
No soul to keepAfire and to the water burning down
And I said hello can you help me
Do you know
What I'm doing can you tell me
Where I'm bound
The stars all have names
And the angels have the same
But I'm lost and I so much want
To be found

july 18 '06

i am sooo loving this weather! the sky is downcast and the air is cool and crisp. the trees and plants look greener against the pale surroundings. everything seems to be fresh and new. there are mud puddles everywhere which one tries to miss when going out on the streets. i saw children today who were playing in the rain and how i envy them! i remember when i was small, my sisters and i used to sneak at the back of our house, away from nanang my grandma just to play and bathe in the rain. we soaked ourselves with rain water, jumping and splashing, until we get caught by nanang who would reprimand us, her shrill scolding darted towards ate, who she thought was pasimuno of it all. ha ha. the best part there was during thunderstorms. just like other kids, my siblings and I were terrified of lightning and thunder. we covered our ears at the very flash of lightning. but that didn't stop us from bathing in the rain. when lightning strikes, we dashed towards the house for protection. ofcourse we knew very well the dreadful story nanang told- of how a young girl who went to the ricefield and was struck dead, her brains scattered after being hit by a lightning. we knew too well that story. but we were children, who were brave and adventurous and mischievous. truly, pasaways. haay, gone were those days..

its mysterious how the raindrops sound when falling on our rooftop. of how it can stir up conflicting emotions upon me. i feel a certain fear or anxiety when i hear the first few big drops. like the world is going to end anytime soon. but the moment it pours, i feel the thrill and the excitement of it all. and then i go looking for sopas or noodles or champorado. and then i can go watch tv, read a book or just simply stare out the window- imagining, wondering, smiling.

resigned

july 2 '06

The more I think about it, the more pleased I am with myself. I am getting better at these. I am winning every war, slowly, but still, victorious. I do get better. People can get better. We can overcome. Isnt amazing how experience teaches us values that armor us against life s disparity? Life is never fair. It never was. I am done with that word. While I still hold that life belongs to the beautiful, beautiful ones, I am comforted. Because I know that wherever life takes me, God is there, who is just, kind and loving.


We all have different roles to play, with each and every person we have relationships with. Oftentimes I see where I am (with this one particular relationship). So clear like the rays of the sun on a fine, cloudless day. And ironically too, where I am is heartbreakingly cold, overcast, gloomy. Sometimes I am so resigned to that idea. To that role I am supposed to play. And it makes me sad. Yet I dont fight anymore. Its ok. God must have a pretty superb reason for all of these and I know I'll get an excellent back-up from Him one of these days.

The Rain's Sympathy

Death

is etched upon my mind,

as copious tears of rain

dolorously descends

from the black-veiled sky.

It's somber mood draped-

mirrors my soul's grief

for the lost

of my beloved.

The rain

falls dreary.

And I

cannot

but be

grateful

for so much

sympathy.

angie
june '97

Risking Much

April 20 '06

'To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing our true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before the crowd is to risk loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try at all is to risk failure.
But risk we must, because the greatest hazard i life is to risk nothing.
The man, the woman who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.'

i sure have risked a lot these past few weeks....sigh.

April 16 '06

Do people always mean what they say? And if they dont, the fact that they said it, will it be considered as half-meant? And what exactly is half-meant? Is there even such a thing?

Why is it easier to react than it is to think? Why cant we have our minds rule over our hearts most of the time? Why cant we leave our impulse down and just reflect on the best things to do? Why do we confuse people with words, words that we can never admit to ourselves, words that would make us more confused and confounded than the person we talked it over to? Is it possible to be so honest and a liar at the same time? Does it make one foolish?

I hate being this sentimental. It is summer where thoughts should be bright as the blue sky and feelings should be light as a... yep a butterfly.

my roller-coaster ride

march 21 06

the closest i can compare to my life now is a roller coaster. its a cliche i know. if i've found a better way to compare it to, i would have used it. and because my mind now, is in its dullest state ever (yes im this honest), i remain to compare it to a roller coaster. after being hailed as the employee of the month for feb, exactly a year i was awarded the same title, i am most grateful and truly happy. grateful because someone saw me in a different light. he saw how i deeply struggled to be a performer not for myself but for the team. he learned i was not a natural, but saw how i can work around it. he believed that i felt mediocre most of the time or most of my life, yet he managed to get the best in me. and how he suddenly turned from one person i feel obligated to like to someone i truly admire and would like to listen to ( while laughing at the same time!), i sure didn't know what happened. come to think of it, i think im seeing him in a different light too. i dont know what the heck happened. these days i am so fond of getting logged out to be coached by my manager. it starts with him discussing team stats and plans and dilemmas. the next thing i know, im mouthing my ideas and opinions. he looks animated, and then drops a bit of wisdom, which leads us to saying grateful praises to each other! funny! its nice- the way everything turned out. who would have thought that i would be blogging about this. sheesh, i cant help but be mushy! i noticed that for most of my dramatic moments in this company, almost everything has something to do with him. of how i can be so meek, and rude, and angry, and quiet, and thinking, and laughing and pouting..etc. wow.

now the plunging-hurling-to-the-earth part of the roller coaster... i failed QA. a week after the EOM dinner. a week after i realized these things. i feel my blood draining, i am a dissappointment. to him, to the team, to my mini-team, to myself. i definitely hurled down faster than i can imagine. its amazing i feel sad more than angry. i have accepted and admitted it. i honestly think that all those failed calls were a few of my best calls. surprisingly, i was very helpful, patient and calm with the callers. and you know what, i ought to congratulate myself for it! really! ha ha! hindi talaga ako nahuhuli ;)

i don't intend to drown in my sadness though, because i know that roller coaster is on its way up. either way, i have realized wonderful things about myself and the people around me. now i know its better to get the best of both worlds. because both ways, i still remain a winner.

dec 28 05

People Like Us
by robert bly

There are more like us. All over the world
There are confused people, who can't remember
The name of their dog when they wake up, and people
Who love God but can't remember where

He was when they went to sleep. It's
All right. The world cleanses itself this way.
A wrong number occurs to you in the middle
Of the night, you dial it, it rings just in time

To save the house. And the second-story man
Gets the wrong address, where the insomniac lives,
And he's lonely , and they talk, and the thief
Goes back to college. Even in graduate school,

You can wander into the wrong classroom,
And hear great poems lovingly spoken
By the wrong professor. And you find your soul
And greatness has a defender, and even in death you're safe.

nov 12 2005

Sa Huli
ni R. Anonuevo

Masyado nang sumusuot sa balat ang lamig.
Parang nanunukso lang ang pagsulpot sulpot
ng araw ganitong Abril sa London.
Kailangan ko nang umalis.
Tama na ang isang linggong
pagtingala sa mga palasyo at katedral.
Pag lumabis pa ritoy lilisan
na akong ang bigat na baon
ay hindi lang damit at pinamiling sapatos,
kundi hinihilang loob, na parang balat na napupuknat,
napipilas sa pinakamalalim na laman,
nahihilam sa biglang pulandit ng dugo,
namimintig sa mga luhang umiiwas mahuli
sa tarangkahan ng nakatanod na pamamaalam.

oct. 15 2005

i have forgotten how it is to blog. four months? the longest ever. my theory that blogging is a cycle, like life is, rings true. a cycle, a recurring thing. and im sure is starting it again. these four months, i have lived my life to the fullest ( according to angie's lifemeter not according to anybodys standards). im 28. im happy. i have a good paying job, i have a loving family. i have the truest of friends. i am thin. i have books- harry potter, inspirationals, oprah endorsed books, coelho. and i know the best neruda poem. i am singing. i can be funny. i love guitars.and music. i have myself and most of all i have God. and a purpose. for all of these, i am thankful and smiling and crying. i am so much blessed. and there's no better way to start this cycle of blogging with these super duper corny thoughts. ha ha!