missing myself

the year is halfway through, and i'm thinking of what i've achieved and what i've missed. sadly, its more of the missed- missed goals, missed opportunities, missed targets. seriously, i am thwarted by all of these. am i turning into one regretful person? maybe i am. but that is the truth. i am regretting i haven't pursued my goals. i hate myself for being so damned comfortable and lax. for being ok. for not being competitive and idealistic like young people should be. maybe i really am losing my idealism. and now that i wanted to just go for it, i can't- anymore. but maybe, i haven't tried harder. or didn't i? i am confused as i was confused five or seven years ago. i am older but i feel young and that is to a fault. i am aimless as i was aimless years ago. i am afraid as i was years ago. i have wanted someone to lead me. and i found Him. still the same, i am foolishly stubborn. sometimes, i feel trapped by my very ownself. oh God, can i own strength? can i be undaunted and brave for once? i yearn to be somebody i haven't been my whole life. and i hopeful it will come.